Thursday.

Last Thursday, we had to bring our three-year-old to the club for Trivia Night. Adding a third member to our posse meant upgrading to a bigger table, so we hosted from the first high top by the bar – the prime seat!

Seated directly next to us at the bar was Speed Racer. Speed Racer is a regular, a longtime member, and the kind of person who has already chatted up half the room before the first question drops. Throughout the first round, I could hear Speed Racer excitedly telling her husband all the answers to all the questions. Sometimes, she’d peek over at us and mouth the answers to us for confirmation. By the time I read the fourth question, she had a perfect score and was beaming with pride.

I tallied up the answer sheets. Eleven answer sheets came in, but none from Speed Racer. I hadn’t heard her final answer, so I casually approached her and her husband and asked, “Gun to your heads, in what major American city were the coconut treats known as Irish potatoes developed?” “Boston”, they settled on. So close.

Back at my table, I prepared to read the scores. Had she ranked them appropriately, Speed Racer was tied for first place, but she didn’t truly rank her answers, which is a crucial part of the scoring. I had a tough choice to make. I decided – she wouldn’t be allowed to win. And I read the scores aloud. “And tied for first place . . . and Speed Racer Who Isn’t Playing but I Can Hear All Her Answers from Here”. I quickly looked over at Ted’s table – they laughed confirming, “that tracks”.

Round two, still no answer sheet from Speed Racer, and now tied for fifth place out of twelve teams. I read her score again as “Speed Racer Who Isn’t Playing”. I announced the selected picture round – “Celebrities by Height”. Speed Racer gleefully asked for a score sheet. And this time, I got to announce her score as “Speed Racer Who is Now Officially Playing”.

Speed Racer finished four points behind first place, in sixth place. And no one was upset.

Tonight’s team names were abysmal: “Too tired to think”, “IDK”, “I Just Don’t Care”, etc.

“Quizzly Bears” was my favorite. They were a new team – had never played with us before. They got a zero on the second round which always gives me anxiety to announce. But they did pick a bountied Picture Round and used it well – they got themselves back into the middle of the pack. So, it seemed like they were a lock for the bonus team name point.

I’m reading the answers to Picture Round . . . “Number 7 is Karl Malone and that’s” - a hand touches my arm. I glance over to see Quizzly Bears mouthing “Thank you” and giving me a polite wave as they leave for the night. And just like that, my only bonus-worthy team name was in the parking lot.

I finish reading the Picture Round answers. I look at TJ and say “well, who do we give the team name point to now?” And eventually, we agree to just not announce the team name point and hope no one notices. I was . . . not slick about it when announcing the scores. I mean, this is a violation of the highest order, and it feels like everyone noticed and said nothing.

“And tied for first place, with 29 points total, 10 this round each, Hantavirus & Chill, and Who Does #2 Work For”. Cue the long awkward pause where I usually announce the winning team name.

The cross-table banter picks back up as we head into Music Round. Hantavirus & Chill is announcing loudly, as they have been all night, that they just needed to beat Ted and Brienne, specifically.

Music Round is tense. The theme is probably the easiest one I’ve ever written, but the artists are a bit harder. Brienne turns in Who Does #2 Work For’s sheet and says “Welp, we lost!”. But there is a clear winner at the end, so I announce the scores:

“In second place for tonight, with 36 points total, 7 points that round, Hantavirus & Chill! And in first place for tonight, with 37 points total, 8 points that round, Who Does #2 Work For!“

and the back corner of the bar. erupts. A usually very collected Chip is standing on the footrail of the bar shouting “WHO GETS THE TEAM NAME BONUS?”. Phil and the rest of the team are piling on.

Crap. They noticed.
I was just trying to close out my night and announce the winners and my audience called. me. out. Hard.

The bystanders are now reveling in the absurdity. From the barstool closest to me – “You seein’ this, Red?” – our existential non-participants chuckle. I’m glad they’re enjoying it. For me, it felt like 20 minutes went by with me just looking around for someone to tell me what to do.

And then the advice came in hordes.

Ted’s team frantically starts throwing out other candidates that could have been the best team name of the night. April yells “What about Tilapia Fingers?!?” And I have to explain . . . into a microphone . . . “Oh, yea, uhh . . . Perkins didn’t write a team name on the sheet, so we just called him that.” April loses it. “OH MY GOD, THAT’S GOOD!”

Brienne is yelling “THEY HAVE MORE THAN 5 PLAYERS – DISQUALIFIED!”.

I look over at TJ who is looking at me, head cocked sideways with a mischievous smirk like “come on, you know what to do.”

“And tonight’s bonus team name point goes to . . . Hantavirus & Chill”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO WIN TO WIN?” an exasperated Ted yells.

I fumbled through the bonus round. No teams left – the bystanders remain locked in. I didn’t have a Picture Round prompt, so it was only a question prompt, and a music prompt.

Both teams got the Question Round answer wrong; Hantavirus & Chill wagered their full allowance, but Who Does #2 Work For only wagered 3 of their points. It all comes down to Music Round.

In keeping with the Music Round theme of “Musical Misters”, the Music Round prompt was a song called 🎵Hey Mister DJ🎵 by Zhane, Both teams wagered their full allowances. Hantavirus & Chill wrote “Hey Mr. DJ”. Who Does #2 Work For wrote “Mr. DJ”.

Close enough!

And as I packed up my laptop for the night, Phil came over and bought me a drink.